When is Enough Really Enough?

Each week in Mom's Talk, our Mom's Council and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions. This week, how to balance the extra-curricular activities in your child's life. Feel free to partake in the discussion and offer an opinion, or a future question, by commenting.

Q. These days, the choices for enrichment activities for our children are endless - dance, soccer, swimming, baseball, book club, basketball, gymnastics, karate, music lessons, scouts and on and on. It is a balancing act that a lot of parents struggle with. What are your feelings, or rules if you have them, regarding your child’s participation in extra-curricular activities?

Four East Hampton parents had this to say:

A. It is definitely hard to find a balance ... so tempting to expose our kids to as much as possible, but also give them some down time to chill out, be creative, let their minds wander, etc. Being the parents of a preschooler and toddler, we haven't had the challenge yet of juggling full-time school days with extracurricular activities.  For now, one "rule" we have is to aim for at least one day between Monday and Friday with no scheduled activities, playgroups, preschool, etc. Our "down" day right now is Wednesdays, and we ended up recently scheduling in half-hour swim lessons in the morning but the rest of our Wednesday is open. We also try to find a pocket of time each day for relaxing, which is pretty easy at this point with a toddler who still naps in the afternoon. We also try to alternate activities unless one of our kids has found something that they greatly enjoy and want to continue with long-term.  Some seasons we sign up for soccer, others we focus on swim lessons, and this summer we will probably return to gymnastics and a weekly music program ... but not all at the same time. A priority for us is making time for activities that are more physical and active. This is important to us now since our kids are little and have a lot of energy, and I think it will remain important when they are in school for longer days and don't have the chance to run around. Our son has developed a love for karate so we will most likely continue this activity year-round. But on average, our family has found that on top of preschool and weekly playgroups, a good average number of scheduled activities/lessons for us is probably no more than two per child at any given time.  In the summer, we will most likely do more with so much flexibility and time off from school. 

A. For our family, sports are an integral part of our lives. Not only does it help keep my children's time structured, but it also helps them with physical fitness. Sports teach the value of hard work, commitment and good sportsmanship. I love seeing the pride in my children as they conquer a sport related challenge in the same way that they feel good about themselves as they meet academic goals.

A. This is a tough question. Yes, it is a balancing act, but it's more than that. It's about learning what makes our children tick. It's about giving them the opportunity to expand their horizons and forge their path through life.

I often find myself complaining about having to be the unpaid and unappreciated chauffeur as I race from one activity to the next. I secretly wish that the rain will drench the field and wonder why I am bothering as my child is throwing a tantrum as we are on our way out the door to go to their class. Sometimes I think I should just cancel it all and just let my kids come home and play in the yard. How does that argument go? "Let them just be kids?" Well, doesn't being a kid mean going to T-ball and Karate and Dance Lessons?

I remind myself that my mother had dragged me and my four siblings to countless activities. I think about how tired she must have been - about how she must have wanted us to quit it all. Then I fondly reminisce about my dance class and silently thank my mother as I am now able to teach my children the rules of sports because my mother had sacrificed so I could play soccer and softball.
I wonder how my life would have been different if I hadn't been given those opportunities.

A. My rules are simple.

1) Not too much. Absolutely no more than two activities at a time (and I may start to limit that down to one only because of the stress that it puts on the family).

2) I pretty much insist that they do one sport a year. Why? Well for one, it's important to learn how to lose and I figure it's better to let some other adult teach my child that and spare me the tantrums that ensue after I don't let my kids win (at board games for example). And secondly, because sports gives them great exercise.

3) They can try any new activity that is feasible, but once they sign up, they can not quit.  They have to stick it out until the session is over. If they don't like it, they don't have to sign up again. But I believe in teaching them commitment.

4) Sometimes it is OK to skip one day for the sake of sanity. Yes, commitment is important, but there is great liberty in saying, "I'm having a terrible day. Let's skip soccer and watch TV today!!"

The strain on our schedule is evident. My son has recently fallen in love with baseball. And my daughter is discovering how to be confident and expressive through art. And my little one has "Karate" written all over him, so I'll be on my way to sign him up for that soon.
 
It has cost me too much money and a big chunk of my sanity, but I'm a mother and this is my job. So this is a juggling act that I think is worth struggling with.

A. "I think it's important for kids to be involved in activities to keep them active and to teach them to be a team player.  The rule for our 8-year-old twins is to let them each choose two activities that interest them.  Sometimes it's a year-round commitment like karate, other times it follows the school calendar like dancing and gymnastics, or it may be a season commitment like baseball, softball or soccer. So far it has worked and still gives them time for school work, reading, and something of their choice in the evening (like Wii or DS!)."